How "API" Makes Me a Better Communicator and Partner
4 minute read / by Sam Daugherty / August 4th, 2025
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This might surprise none of you, but I'm a rather anxious person. If I allow myself to dwell on things, I'll just assume everyone is mad at me and thinks I'm terrible. So, if we want to survive this world we're forced to exist in, it helps to have the right tools. And a random conversation with my brother taught me the simplest tool of them all. It's how I've survived long enough to tell you about it.
Photo by Toa Heftiba on Unsplash
The idea sparked during an exceptionally challenging time—a pandemic. I was juggling remote work, helping one kid with online school, and wrangling a 3-year-old ball of chaos. I was failing at all of them, and generally wanting to die. Things were… not great.
When that happens, my mental health declines. And, because of that, I start to wonder if everyone hates me. Normal thoughts, I know.
I also know I'm not alone in thinking that way. So, if you're one of us, this post is for you.
So What Is It?
It happened during a conversation with my best friend and brother. Venting, I confided, “Everyone is probably wondering when I'll get fired because I'm failing so miserably.”
“Did anyone say you were failing?” He asked.
“No, but it feels obvious. I just assume that's what they think.”
Then he hit me with the simplest reply. “It would be just as easy to assume they think nice things about you. If you're already assuming, why not assume something positive?”
Wait. You can do that?
Photo by Aziz Acharki on Unsplash
Turns out… You can do that. You just have to practice. Assuming Positive Intent doesn't come naturally to folks like me, who spend too much time in our heads.
It wasn't some big epiphany that changed my life, either. It was a seed that was planted, and that I nurtured into an idea that I try my damndest to live by now.
Assume Positive Intent
That's API: If you're going to assume, assume positive. Then it grew from there. I started applying it to Slack messages, emails, texts—anywhere the tone was unclear.
It matters even more now. We live in an increasingly online, digital world. Fewer communications occur in person, and even fewer still happen over the phone. Without body language and tone, we're left to make assumptions. And, boy, are we all extra bad at making assumptions.
When you get a Slack message from your boss that says, “Hey, do you have a minute to discuss that project?” We could spiral and think we dropped the ball. Or we could think, “He probably just has a question about something, and it's easier to call.” That's it.
It Makes You a Better Communicator
Good communication is key to any relationship. Not just at work, but at home, too. Is my mom admiring me when she says, “Oh, bless you,” or is she mocking me? It could go either way. Assuming the best changes how you respond, and that changes the outcome.
That text that sounded kind of mean? It probably wasn't. But if you assume it was, you're primed for miscommunication. Hell, Key and Peele did a whole skit about it. It's worth watching.
Like all things, you get better at it the longer you practice. And, like all good ideas, it grows and evolves as we begin to incorporate it into our lives.
Be Kinder to Yourself and Others
The better I got at it, the more it made me realize things about myself, and other members of the Society of OverthinkersTM: When you assume someone is being mean, you're often just being mean to yourself, using other people as stand-ins for your own inner critic.
And ironically, it's a kind of meanness toward them, too. You're casting them as villains in a story they don't even know they're in. And you have the power to change it.
Yes, sometimes people are just dicks. I get that. But most of the time? It's not about you. They're projecting, same as you. It's a vicious cycle. That kind of thinking is contagious. It's exhausting. And it's totally optional.
We live in a digital world. We can't control that. But we can control how we interpret it. And how we respond. And that? That's power.